Trying is the first step towards failure.
— Homer Simpson
Take it easy (lol)
I had finished my talk some weeks ago, ready to edit it in time to still have weeks to rehearse it — which is crucial for me as English is not my first language. At least, that was my plan.
Of course, nothing went according to this wonderful plan. After finishing my first draft, my supervisor and Wonderguy (who is also a fellow comparative literature graduate) both added their two cents, remarking that this paper will be interesting for all those who already know what I am working on (modern war literature, stereotypes, cultural encounters) — everyone else may feel a bit puzzled and have a hard time understanding what I am actually talking about.
So I was obviously NOT finished. Not at all. It took me two more nights to revise this mess of a paper and once again accomplish a sort of “finally finished”-feeling, and I still think it’s more a feeling than a fact. Especially since I’ve started rehearsing, realizing that I’m still changing certain passages to make them easier to understand — or rather, easier to read… Again, the final version is not so final after all. But editing can be tricky and a never-ending-story — it has always been very difficult for me to constrain my pedantic inner critic and carefully approach a final version I can accept as such…
Perferctionism, Procrastination, errand Productivity
I know a lot of people are only too familiar with this struggle, not just those with ADHD. Still, for those of us whose fuzzybrains like to run the show, it can be a bit more tricky. While I usually remember where I put my keys, I lose myself in frantic perfectionism, furthered by decision fatigue, constant distractions, and a difficulty prioritizing what needs to get done first.
Mind you, this is not me complaining about the unbearable drama I have to go through in life — there is much, much worse than living with an ADHD fuzzybrain. But those who know, know. And sometimes it’s nice to share one’s thoughts about the situation. For fun, for the sake of laughing at (and with) yourself, and to get it off your chest. So, let’s roll with it…
Just don’t do it. Applied Failure, Lesson 1
For the lucky ones who ALWAYS remember the names of people they just met 10 minutes ago and NEVER had the joyous experience of questioning one’s own intellect and sanity, this post might actually be fun. If you’ve always wanted to understand how failure, inadequacy, and ineptitude feel on an intimate level, I may offer you some valuable instructions on how to not get anything done and fail miserably (ADHD-approved). For guaranteed success in failure, follow one or all of these recommendations:
- Work in a foreign language OR a jargon you are not familiar with. No matter how good you get and how hard you study, you will always feel inadequate, insecure, and not sure of even the most basic expressions. Always.
- Pursue new insights. Find some side aspect of your studies you’ve neglected all the time, only to realize now that you might have missed something important and now have to do a full revision of everything you worked on before.
- Give in to overwhelm. At the prospect of having to revise 2 years worth of intensive intellectual work, you feel overstrained and beaten so you decide to go for a beer / coffee / tea/ soychailattewithextracinnamon to do some brainstorming, after which you decide to just never ever return to the project — or your life — at all.
- Purchase the book How to disappear completely and never be found. It’s from the 1980s, providing information that is largely no longer relevant and therefor won’t aid your escape plans at all. Instead, it will inspire you to lose yourself in daydreams about living on a beach in Mexico, surviving on selling homemade tequila and supplements to prevent hair loss (homemade, of course). Coming to your senses, you instead purchase the book How to disappear: Erase your digital footprint, leave false trails, and vanish without a trace.
- Realize there was a mix-up at Amazon after receiving How to disappear completely: On Modern Anorexia instead. Or maybe it was your own fault. After all, remembering names / titles / terminology is not your forte. Anyway, after reading it you find that disappearing might not be that desirable in the end and decide to return to your research / work projects.
- Edit your paper / talk / thesis as much as seems necessary, but don‘t overdo it. Then give it to some trusted friends and colleagues, ask for their opinions, fear their opinions, and start editing again until either your deadline arrives or you retire.
If you need additional inspiration on how to never finish anything at all, go on to watch every season of The Simpsons in an eternal loop while contemplating the relevance of human existence on a planet we’ve been destroying for the last 200+ years and how anyone could possible think this is fair. Never vote again, never even leave the house again, and die laughing and loving Lisa Simpson.
And now off you go and get your stuff done!