When I’m in New York, I just want to walk down the street and feel this thing, like I’m in a movie.
— Ryan Adams
Life has been busy these last few weeks. I booked a flight and my Dad found me a nice hotel conveniently situated between the university and the rest of the city I want to see. I got my visa all my paperwork. Regarding the practical aspects of this little adventure everything’s already taken care of. Which is wonderful and I’m so grateful for the help I get when I need it, having the organizational skills of a chipmunk on speed (hyperhyper and all over the place…).
Wonderguy too is already in the “goin’ to New York” mood (even though he is not coming with me), putting together a Spotify playlist with NYC-inspired songs so I’ll have the perfect soundtrack while walking the streets of Manhattan. In addition, he gave a few books set in New York, one being Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. I’ve discussed this book in another blog post if you’re interested. For now let me just say that some of Oscar’s fears resonate with my own dark places…which is kind of ‘inspiring’ in the best and worst ways possible. Heavy boots all the way.
It’s getting dark…again
And it can be dark down there…Sleepless nights filled with horrifying visions triggered by too many true crime podcasts and too much war crime material keep me awake. Do you know the tv-show Mayday/Air Crash Investigation? Well, I do. Oh my, yes I know it…
At the opposite end of this extreme emotional spectrum lies my longing for peace, being someplace where no one knows me, no one notices me and I will be invisible. As so often I feel like being invisible would make me invincible, too, at least deep down in my heart. “These streets will make you feel random” — I long for that feeling. The same feeling I loved so much when walking through the streets of New York the first time I was there, four years ago. This feeling I get whenever I’m in a city where I don’t know anyone. Free. No one cares about you, though not in a bad way. Rather like we are all parts of the surrounding, belonging to this street, this street corner, this certain place, nothin’ to fuzz about, just everyone going their ways.
Reading, feeling, and reality
I felt safe there, always. True, I wasn’t out and about at 3am in the morning all alone as a woman, and I won’t do so in December. But still, I felt safer in New York than I felt/feel in London, though I love London just as much and I’m more familiar with the city, having been there several times. And I guess that’s the crux of the matter: because I’m less familiar with NYC I feel safer there than in London — knowing a place, being familiar with it means knowing its ‘good’ and its ‘bad’ sides.
Just reading about the dark sides does not change a thing. I read tons of stuff about war and war crimes and the like but I would never in a million years assume I “know” war — that’s not how it works. Never. Of course I read about places where one should not go, what one should and should not do, especially as a woman, but that doesn’t change my good memories about the place.
Besides, “feeling safe” in my understanding also means being able to stay in my own little bubble all the time because I don’t know a single person so no one will disturb my thinking, musing, and wandering (my peace). I’m not sure if this corresponds with a general understanding of “feeling safe” but I don’t strive for universal understanding, as this would be a bit too much. Live and let live, wander and let wander…
New York, I love you
For now, the “goin’ to New York”-theme is huge, listening to the playlist, reading books about/set in New York, most of this thanks to and inspired by Wonderguy. That’s because it’s my first trip alone to one of my favorite cities. It’s a long flight and a rather expensive trip, so it’s not like I can see NYC whenever I want to — this is something special. And even though I feel totally overwhelmed and panicky at times (thanks, weird wired brain) I really look forward to “goin’ to New York”.
Besides, let us not forget: Main reason I’m going there is for work…one more reason for sleepless nights! 🙂