Listening to the episode “Choosing to live child-free” of the Guardian’s What would a feminist do? podcast recently, host Jessica Valenti and her guests, authors Megan Daum and Danielle Henderson talked about a topic that is very dear to me even though I never struggled with it: never wanting kids and therefore, at 30+, not having kids.*
Why do I feel the need to emphasize that I never struggled with the issue? Because even in our oh so enlightened society, women who consciously choose to not have children are often seen as flawed, incomplete, and refusing to fulfill their social obligation. NOT using your uterus for the sake of your own and society’s legacy is still hard to understand for many — most of all those who lack the majority of any procreative equipment except for one necessary to successfully bring new life into this world…
TW: In this post I discuss the conscious decision to not have children, NOT involuntary childlessness. For obvious reasons I’m in no position to talk about the latter — as someone who never wanted kids I cannot relate to this issue and the vast psychological as well as possible physical effects it can have.
Why should I have children?
Whilst all my female and even male friends are breeding like there’s no tomorrow, I would rather drop dead than even think about having a baby. I’m the sole master of my life, my time, and my priorities which is a privilege I value tremenduously, even though this means I have less financial security than someone else my age who leads a ‘traditional’ life. But for me, that’s worth it. I can read a book at any given time, I can stay up and work all night, I can withdraw from the world every time I feel the need to be alone. No other human being depends on me. This is exactly how I want it.
Theoretically, I can understand why people want children: all these myths and stories about having children as a sort of symbolic immortality, having someone to take care of, humans having a biological urge to breed – I get that. You want to give your life a meaning beyond ‘just’ your own existence (I assume). That’s fine, you do you.
Practically, I will never understand it. Why one would sacrifice all her time, energy, health, well-being, money, and sleep for someone you don’t even know who will not be able to take care of her-/himself for at least 10 to 14 years and and once s/he does, they will probably act out and give you a helluva time…why you would want to do that is a mystery to me. But as I said, you do you 🙂
Besides, I’m not particularly fond of babies or toddlers. They smell, cry and scream a lot and half of the time no one knows what they want. Again, I understand you like it if it’s yours — that’s probably biology and most important for all humans included — but why you would expect me to be charmed is, again, beyond me. Though to be fair, I’m not much of a people’s person in general — it’s The Merry Loner for a reason — so it’s not much of a surprise that I’m not easily charmed even by small/young ‘people’…
Happily childfree.
The most important aspect is one I mentioned before: I don’t want anyone to completely depend on me. This is a sort of responsibility I am unwilling to take. Thanks to some of my issues there are days when I’m glad I can take care of my own most basic needs — I never felt the need to extend this experience to other human beings. As weird as it may sound, at times I really NEED to be alone because otherwise I know I might get a panic attack or fall into one of my dark holes due to the sensory overload of all the people and the world around me. I would never risk my solitude, ever. Especially not for kids.
My mom once said that my description of motherhood sounds like being in solitary confinement in Alcatraz. I told her that I would choose solitary confinement in Alcatraz over children at any given time.
In the end it all comes down to this: individuals deciding what to do with their lives. It’s as easy as that. But because some of those individuals are biologically female it gets out of hand; religion, society, politics, medicine, and other people want to interfere with decisions that are none of their business. At which point the never-ending cycle of explaining and justifying yourself starts again, again, and again.
Still, let’s wish each other just the best, no matter how we decide to live our lives.
*Yeah I know, what a statement! Groundbreaking, never heard before, and totally trivial! But also still relevant, because as a woman who consciously decides to not procreate, you know that at certain points in your life – with your family, friends, in-laws, colleagues, acquaintances, and at times even strangers – you will have to discuss your decision again and again. And again. Because breeding is the ONLY thing that gives the existence of a female human being any sense and fulfillment AT ALL. So your refusal to do so is unacceptable and has to be challenged. [rant over, I promise.]