Welcome to the shitshow.
— me, pretty much every day of my life
Déjà vu
A few days ago I received an invitation to a conference at Columbia University in December. Even though I obviously sent out an application, I was rather shocked by this reply. Never in a million years had I expected anyone to accept my paper because a) it’s not even a conference focused on humanities or literary studies and b) I’m just a freestyle academic, pursuing her studies when finding the time next to work, life, and stuff. So not exactly distinguished ivy league university material. Not even ‘attending a conference at a distinguished university I always wanted to see’ material…
Obviously, no one ‘there’ knows this, which is probably the whole reasong they are “delighted to include my paper in the conference.” Well, I am delighted, too. I’m also confused, overwhelmed, and panick-stricken all at once. For days now. And nights, which is worse.
I sent out a submission to give it a shot, “aim high”, as they say (I don’t know who “they” are, but “they” for sure never suffered from anxiety disorders and shit like that) and try for universities (and cities) I always wanted to see or love to visit. I have been to New York before and so far missed my chance to see Columbia University, at least from the outside. So I thought that would be a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. As a matter of fact, I may get a second chance.
Solo travel — getting lost while overthinking
Now I’ll have to find the best ways to finance this wonderful craziness — New York is pricey, especially in December. Moreover, I have to keep my shit together, mentally as well as practically. It’s not that I am too anxious to attend a conference and present a paper — I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so that’s not the issue here. Rather, the real challenge for someone like me will be organizing the trip, finding a hotel, and staying on top of things.
I hate organizational tasks because I’m really bad at it. I have a hard time deciding between different hotels, flight routes, and other offers. I want to do everything, all at once, and have a hard time prioritizing what’s really important to me (apart from the conference, obviously). And even with the most detailed to-do list I regularly lose track of all the things I should attend to. At least this time I already got my passport 🙂
What’s more, since receiving the invitation tons of unfounded fears came creeping up from the shitty dark holes I forced them into; they float into my semiconscious mind in the early morning hours, lay their heavy burden on my weary shoulders (yes I know, THAT sounds cheesy…). Depending on the mood I’m in, I can take them one at a time, pushing them back into the holes they came from, or I let them flow, because there’s no use in fighting it, not right now.
I know, I sound like a whiny kid, and I don’t want to. I simply did not expect this to happen — some provincial freestyle academic presenting a paper at rather well-known university. London has already been a great experience; this too is a wonderful opportunity and it feels huge. Overwhelming. Unreal. And frightening.
Greetings to my demons.