Some years invite quiet tranquility, allowing us to enjoy our lives; others shake us to our core and leave no stone unturned. Most fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. And then there are the years that feel like a constant hurricane of shitfuckery — only to carry with them great blessings in disguise.
That was 2025 for me.
A breakup is not a breakdown…
It started with receding back pain and growing dread about what I should do (dissertation gloom looming…) and ended with me sitting in my new apartment, enjoying a quiet and cozy New Year’s Eve on my own. In between lay the slow collapse of my 10-year relationship (a.k.a. getting dumped little by little), the purchase and remodeling of my own apartment — which I moved into in August 2025 — and saying goodbye to my kitties, with whom I’ve shared my life for nearly seven years.
For a moment, I feared this could break me — would break me. But that moment passed, and it left in its wake a resilience so strong I was positively overwhelmed. At the risk of sounding like a typical “rise like a phoenix from the ashes of your old life” self-help (breakup) guru, I was surprised by just how positive I was, even in the first few weeks. Of course, there was sadness and grief — there still is — but rather than taking center stage, these feelings became treasured companions as I entered a new chapter of my life.
Because that’s what this is: an ending that carries within it the start of something new. Something that, at this point, belongs solely to me. A life that is just mine, 24/7. And it feels like a great relief, no matter how terrifying it may have sounded at first. No matter how frightened I was.
I’ve been through dark times — days, weeks, months, even years filled with anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. I’ve been so afraid of my life that I hid behind closed doors, dreading the moments I had to leave the house. Months during which I cried every night because I was terrified of the next day. Not being able to attend university, go to work, or even get groceries.
That was many years ago, but I can remember it vividly. And parts of 2025 brought those dark memories back to life. The fear of losing a love and a life that gave me so much safety and support — that felt like home for 10 years — was frightening. I had no idea how I would function without it, if I would function at all. Yet I did. And so much better than I could’ve ever imagined.
Staying positive
The fact that I’m an introverted loner and have been single before obviously helps. I entered my first relationship at the ripe old age (at least it felt that way back then) of 20 and have been single for anywhere between six months and two years between relationships. I enjoy my own company — no matter how unnerving I can be at times. Living on my own makes it even easier for me to regulate and manage my ADHD fuzzy brain (with one exception: establishing a sleep schedule — but I’m working on it). I absolutely LOVE my new apartment — which I OWN (still can’t quite believe that part of the story) — and I’m already hyperfocusing on how to optimize my balcony space for gardening.
Having wonderful people in my life to share my love and time with is another gift I can see more clearly now that the focus is on my own, single experience rather than a shared view of the world around me. From minute one after the breakup, friends, family, and colleagues were there to support me through the difficult moments and share the joyful ones.
In a therapy session shortly after the breakup, I told my therapist that I feel so much love and support all around me that I know I can only get better from here. (For f*ck’s sake, I DO sound like one of those life gurus. I’m so sorry…)
Loving life
It’s been roughly five months of living this new chapter, and I can truly say I love it. Occasionally, there are bumps in the road — a memory, a song, a quote that brings me to tears — but that’s fine. It’s part of the process of saying goodbye to a life I once lived and cherished.
But I’m rerooting, regrowing, and still loving my life — old and new parts alike. Because there are parts of me much older than this past relationship that now have their time to shine again. And these 10 years of living in a loving, supportive relationship allowed me to grow in so many directions that will stay with me — and for that, I am deeply grateful.
All of this will stay with me and help me grow even further in the years to come.
And I’m so looking forward to all of it 🙂
So let’s head off into new adventures — bookish and otherwise — and see what life will bring…