London calling
A few weeks ago I sent a conference proposal to the organizers of an upcoming event; I finished it hastily, of course having waited until the last possible moment to get it done, and Wonderguy did his best revising it even though he generally only edits German papers. Mainly, I just wanted to send out a proposal and never ever actually expected anything coming out of it. Imagine my surprise when I got the reply that they indeed were “delighted” to ‘invite’ me to talk at their conference in London in May 2016.
Let’s get professional…
I’ve never been to a conference as a speaker, as someone standing there, giving a talk, reading a paper, just BEING OUT THERE. I always thought only professionals, established scholars with a certain name and tons of degrees and credentials are active participants at conferences. Not someone like me, a provincial freestyle PhD-student who is trying to untie the huge knot in her brain regarding her works, theories, strategies, ideas. I’m not a professional, I’m not even close to being one.
Well, now seems to be a good time to work in that direction…
Imposter Syndrome kicking in
Even though there is still more than enough time left I’m already frantic and stressed out because I feel like I have to be prepared for every nasty question possible (and there are tons of those), therefor I’ll have to re-read and re-research everything I ever got my hands on. This, of course, is just impossible, which means I can only hope that my blood pressure and breathing will stabilize until May albeit me NOT being able to find the best answer for the most ridiculous questions possible. After all, it’s a 20 minutes talk followed by 10 minutes Q&A, not a 90 minutes in-depth analysis followed by a 2 hour group discussion. Safe to assume, like Gloria Gaynor “I will survive.”
Also, before fearing to die of acute public humiliation I have to figure out if I can acutally afford this. London is a wonderful place I’ve been to several times, but it’s also a rather expensive place to celebrate one’s anxiety issues and lose face. Of course I’ll go and proof to myself that I am bigger than my fear. Still, I’ll also need a bigger purse to get there.
Oh the joy…of organizing
Apart from hyperventilating and having to finish a talk that will not invite too many anxiety-inducing questions, there is also the grown-up business of organizing the trip. As a true ADHD fuzzybrain obviously organizing ANYTHING is not my forte. Enter Wonderguy, the savior of any trip we ever took so far. Finding a cheap flight and an affordable accommodation — not a problem for him. So the only thing I have to do is getting a new passport in time. In light of Brexit, I won’t rely on me being a EU-citizen with a valid driver’s licence but rather have my official documents in order so BoJo, Nigel, and friends won’t deport me to Australia. (No kangaroos in Austria, no geniuses behind the Brexit campaign…)
Non-literary escapism
But still, there is always time to check Neko Atsume. Even (especially!) in times of stress and fuzzybrain-overkill, I never miss an opportunity to spend some time with virtual pets who pay for my efforts in fish. Digitally, thankfully.