The road to hell is paved with good intentions … again

 

03-31-2019

So over the course of the last few weeks I again and again promised myself to simply stop most of my shopping, regardless of it being second-hand items or books or else. And it didn’t work. For one reason or the other I always found an excuse to shop, to buy new things, to spent money on stuff I did not need. Because I really got enough stuff already, all over the place …
Anyway, on Monday there will not only start a new week, but also a new month, and this time I really want this to work – a GRAND shopping detox. In order for this to work I have to find out WHY I shop until I drop, or. What am I falling for time and time again?
Bliss. Distraction. Relief.
In addition to the job I already got, I started a new job a few weeks ago. I’m still stressed, not so much by the work itself, at least most of the time, but by all the relational issues going on, finding out how the people – my colleagues – work, how they interact, how I should interact with them and, of course, also how I will cope with both jobs – so there is still a lot going on even though my initial fears dissipated. I still haven’t found time to establish a routine to get back into the never-ending drama that is my dissertation, and at times I’m so fidgety that I can’t even focus on reading though I have a really good book in the works right now.

So there we go, reaching for the iPad to look what has happened on my favourite shopping apps (mot of them second-hand shopping platforms) and the like; looking what I could get from Amazon that I’ve wanted to get for days, weeks, months YEARS but couldn’t or wouldn’t afford – ya know. And who would have thought it could take about three hours to find an adequate bento box to transport my lunch in?
Have you ever realized how many things you have to keep in mind when choosing the right, eco-friendly lunch box – on Amazon (of all places)? TONS. Which can take up HOURS of your valuable lifetime.
Not that I have nothing better to do — rather I’m not capable of doing or working on the more important things right now, so I go on a sort of compensation shopping spree. Eco-friendly, second-hand or the like, but still. Amassing stuff, again.

So, what could I do instead when feeling exhausted and intellectually drained but not wanting to waste money and energy on things I do not need (books are an exception – of course)? Reading, obviously. In the end reading is also a sort of training, and the more regularly I start to read — no matter how distracted I feel and would just LOVE to find out if there are any new second-hand Sandqvist backpacks available — the better it gets with time, meaning there will be less distraction, more joy and focus and therefore, in the end, less stuff.
Doing some research would be great too; since I have been “out” of my project for another four months or so, I again have a lot of catching up to do — the afternoons sans my second job would be rather perfect for doing exactly this so that I could not only slowly catch up again but finally also restart … again.
Also while we’re at it, how about some self-care? More sport and regular training sessions, no matter if at home or at the gym – I got some excellent equipment at home, and if I feel like that wouldn’t be enough, I can still hit the gym; furthermore, a bit of meditation, some yoga, relaxing a bit – doesn’t this sound just wonderful and stuff-less?
And, not to forget, some DIY works wonders at times. Instead of buying stuff – no matter if second-hand or not – why not take up sewing a bit more regularly? I could have sewn a whole new wardrobe in the hours I spent bargain hunting online in the last few weeks …

So, let the games begin. May the will to change grant me the strength to do so … even on the worst of days …

“You? Never! Stop kiddin’ me!” – Dark hours, days & moments…

Moody landscape...

A lot of people who don’t know me well think that I’m confident, outgoing, and funny. I can be all of this with the right people. I can pretend to be this assumed person with a) the wrong people, b) at the wrong time, c) at the wrong place, d) b) a sufficient amount of alcohol and/or e) any combination of the aforementioned factors. This happens to many of us, for various reasons. And everyone faces the challenge of handling their individual issues the best they can. I failed often, still do.

Years ago (like, about 10 years ago) I experienced a period (lasting around 5 years) of anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I got out of it thanks to therapy, pills, and the constant hope that it ‘will be over‘ some day, but of course once your demons found you, they will stay with you. They will love you, take care of you, scare the shit out of you, guide you and force you to grow. Again and again, often for the rest of your life.

Nowadays (no pills and no therapy since 2011) they only visit for a few hours, worst case scenario they are with me for two or three days. But the last time was different – they seemed to enjoy their stay and decided to hang around a little longer than their usual 3 days. Luckily, I didn’t have to work/write a lot, so I had time to celebrate mood swings, crying, feeling desperate and hopeless without neglecting my duties. My demons may have celebrated some sort of anniversary or wtf soever; it was too long, too intense and exhausting.

To distract myself from my demons’ visit, I started to sew, or, to be more precise, I started hardcore-pro-24/7-sewing. Even though I don’t actually know how to sew. But I live true to the saying “learning by doing”, which included sewing…(what a rhyme!). At times like this, I prefer manual labor since my thoughts are all over the place and I can hardly focus on even short readings, let alone ’sophisticated’ intellectual work. Over the last few years I developed some techniques for handling myself better — a little melancholy can do magic about the tidiness of my living quarters. Besides, sewing serves my need for distractions as well as my creative aspirations…

 My demons left some weeks ago. They always leave sooner or later… And every time they return, I’m afraid they won’t leave again on their own, without me getting any help, again. And that is the only thing that truly frightens me about my mind, my life, my soul and my future…my stupid, lovely, fucking, somehow educational demons. Because sometimes it’s not the right time for education….